How was everyone's Thanksgiving? I didnt spend mine at home - my absolute laziness in the face of life ensured that one. But a good friend let me eat some turkey at her house, and one of my roommates (one of those cats you know you'll still be friends with in ten years) is letting me ride out the rest of the weekend at his pad. It's so early... I've been digging records (both in a magazine and on the CD player) for several hours, wondering which of the top 500 I should get next.

I've come to the conclusion that my ex-girlfriend was Britney Spears. Hear me out on this one, although you don't have to. After watching an interview with said pop icon on VH1, I decided that her personality is frighteningly similar to Miss Stephanie Shideler's. Stephanie's considerably more deep than Britney, but sme of those mannerisms really freak me out. Oh, and the chest size of both women is remarkably similar, although I think Steph wins the battle because hers are natural. But that's besides the point. I dated Britney Spears, so chew on that one.

I miss George Harrison.

Been fighting off a rather nasty bout of depression lately. It's all going to come to a crashing climax here real soon. Finals are beginning, my car is still in disrepair (with little over a week before I have to drive it home), I've got a short film I have to edit before the week is out, and I'm feelng so utterly alone that it scares me.

How many albums in the Rolling Stone top 500 do I own? 95. How many have I heard in their entirety? Many more. I'm rather disappointed in my showing on this one. How many of these albums do I plan to get? Hundreds more. It's not really a bad list... I don't necessarily agree with the order of it (despite being on a Beatles binge for the past few days, I still don't think we need to have four of their albmus in the top ten, especially not Sgt. Pepper), but it pretty much covers all the bases. I was happy to see that Between the Buttons got in there. I still don't know how I feel about ranking recent albums in there, like the White Stripes one or things like that... but whatever. Ad by the way, although I really do despise Eminem, I think that at least one of his albums deserves to be in this list, purely because it really has influenced a lot ofg people. That doesn't mean I like him, but I do respect his ability to reach so many people. However, putting two of his albms in might be overstating things a bit...

Overall, I'm just glad someone had the decency to put Exile On Main Street above a piece of overrated slop like Nevermind.

I should eat or something. I'll leave you with one that's become a sort of fan favorite lately... any time I play it around people, they say things like, "I really like that one. Who wrote it?" Me, that's who. The title is nicked from Dylan, but the sentiments are all mine.

I'm on the water, no land in sight
And I've been out here for far too long
Thought it was given you'd rescue me
And we'd both know what went wrong

But if your waters run still with me
You know you could just say so
Instead of slowly drowning this way
I'll be out watching the river flow

I got caught up and washed below in the tides of our love
And now I look through the water and see you up above
Oh, and it feels so wrong

You whisper things out by the shore
But I can hear them loud and clear
I never wished you any misery, but
You're returning the favor with fear

Can't see the sun past the horizon
And it isn't even all that low
But if you're fine, I guess I am, too
I'm watching the river flow

Sweet things that you promised me were broken by the waves
I'll never see the Northwestern sunset from your bay
Oh, and it feels so wrong

You're still around, but I miss you
I don't know which way I should go
I'll set my sail if you want me to
I'm only watching the river flow

Oh, if you just say so
I'm watching the river flow.

"Watching the River Flow"
S. Cronen, 11/4/03
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 8:46 AM

 
Here's another one for you, from my heart to your eyes. It's a small one, really, but it means a lot to me, and I think it gets the message across as far as what I've been feeling lately.

If I could have you for just one night
If I coudl tell you my feelings as they came
If I could share a touch without second guessing
The morning wouldn't matter
It would all still be the same

If I could let you in on what's happening
I would never hesitate to bare my soul
If these things in me are genuine enough
That would do for now
And I could learn to control

But if love springs for you once again
Somewhere else where it once had run dry
I'll move on if it makes you happy
I would still love you
You know it was worth a try.

-"Christina (Open Love Letter)"
S. Cronen, 11-11-03

No, there's no literal "Christina"... that is, she exists, but that's not her name. I had to play this song for her not too long ago, because she wanted to hear it. Two of the toughest minutes I've ever had to endure.

I want to forget about this whole relationship thing... take a break, so to speak. But every time I try to get my mind off of it, all this stuff keeps cropping up. Damn... all it took was one strange night when my guard was down... now I'm in love all over again, and I really don't think I should be. It hurts, y'know? I just don't know what to think any more.

I should keep on writing, to try to stave off sadness. Although it doesn't help when your high E string is broken. Makes some songs impossible to play.

Okay, here's one more, because I'm in a strangely generous mood. This was written long before this girl ("Rachel," we'll call her), but it matches up somewhat.

Thought I saw you by the beachside one day
With the sand in your hair
Maybe it was just a dream
Just a dream
Saw your reflection in the tide pool
Reflecting right next to mine
Maybe it was just a dream
Just a dream

And as I grow older, I realize sometimes
It's best not to take a dream for granted
Wish I had thought a little more
Just a little more
Could've acted on just one whim I had
But I can't even remember one
Wish I had thought a little more
Just a little more

If I could fly away to a different plane
It'd all be perfect somehow
Can you even imagine it as real?
Imagine it as real
Perfect life, perfect love, perfect years go by
What else would I have to say?
Can you even imagine it as real?
Imagine it as real

I'll look forward to what the future holds
If it holds something so right
Just hope you'll be there down the line
Be there down the line
There've been so many things let me down
Never been afraid to hide a tear
Just hope you'll be there down the line
Be there down the line

Thought I saw you by the beachside one day
With the sand in your hair
Maybe it was just a dream
Just a dream
Thought I could join you at one certain point
With the sand in our hair
But there's only sand in my shoes
Sand in my shoes.

-"Sand In Your Hair"
S. Cronen, 3/20/02
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 1:46 AM

 
Here's the final word... so far...

In a shrouded Washington fishing town
I sought out my fortune promised
The heat of the hours held me still
Stuck between Bellingham and Port Angeles
Tried to get my mind off the last three times
I'd wrestled with the hand of fate
Started out with Jack D. and tequila
But no bottomless glass could help me escape
And as I pulled into town in the Northwest moonlight
A glimmer caught my eye, but something wasn'’t right
Without thought or reason, though, I let it pour over me
Thinking this wouldn't last forever, perhaps a couple of weeks
But it took me like a jet stream
Stirred up by her father's boat
I was sick of now, but now
I'd swallowed a lethal dose

In the midst of a foggy lightning swirl
She's the sunlight of a newborn smile
A life raft between four-year-long shores
She's the promise in the middle of denial
With her, there's no good or bad, just right
And it's never really felt quite this way
Her face is a jewel, the twinkle in her eyes
That puts to shame the very light of day
And some are often torn between their love and their art
But she's the covered bridge that's been there from the start
All the difference comes in a sixth interval inquiry
And a star-specked evening that I let get the best of me
There's not an angel born in hell
Could take her away from me now
I'm floating on the sky with her
And without her, I would drown

In the rising sun of a brand-new love
She's the dark cloud looming just overhead
An empty promise that gets me nowhere fast
And will soon drive me to madness, instead
I feel like I've died a thousand times
With every moment that she's looking away
And no matter how I try to catch her gaze
I only see her true feelings she's betrayed
Even if the stars are shining just right upon her door
It makes no difference, I know it's never open any more
She's the cold berg of indifference drifting off the shore
And without a single word, she could knock me to the floor
She's flawed, but she's perfect
And there's nothing I can do
I hate myself for loving her
That much I know is true

So I left that town, yes, shadow and all
Decided that Polaris wasn't pointing that way
Hard to lift my boots from the muck I'd created
But it dried into dirt in a matter of days
I'd been through it all, and the wounds were fresh
The scars of this kind don't heal all that fast
I was loose in the caboose with her from the first
And it seemed I'd drunk myself blind, at last
Now I can't say there wasn't a good time every now and then
But I felt like I'd been traipsing around in a lion's den
I loved her like any good man should've done easily
But she didn't return the favor, and look what it's made of me
And I hit the realization
Just past the welcome sign:
Despite all the moments
She wasn't worth my time.

"Not An Angel Born in Hell"
(S. Cronen, 11/11/03)
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:33 PM

 


Happy birthday, Neilster.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 9:44 PM

 
What a wild weekend it's been...

I'm going through one of those weird periods in my life which, while walking back from Dairy Queen today, I dubbed my "where am I at in this point in my life?" period. It's an awful long trip back from Dairy Queen, lemme tell ya. But I've decided that, in the last couple of years, I've become too cozy in my little life. I've needed to shake things up lately, and to do that, I have to go out and do things I've never done before and all that stuff... y'know, celebrate college for what it is: a time to find out just who the hell you are.

When I first got with Stephanie, I think that was the catalyst for this whole thing. She was my ticket to ride, so to speak - someone I could tage along with and meet new people with her and get loose with her and all that stuff. When that ended, well, it was like my mind and I had a little chat, and he said: "All right, Steve, you've had a nice little taste of what this 'freedom' is like, and it came to you pretty easily. But if you want to keep that feeling, you've gotta work for it now." And I said, "Okay, Mr. Steve's Mind, I'll take your advice." So that's what I'm doing. I've spent this weekend hanging out with friends, getting to know said friends a lot better, meeting new friends, getting suitably loose in the caboose with my back to the track (if ya know what I mean), and just trying to enjoy myself overall. And for the most part, I have.

Someone said something to me the other day that I've since been repeating over and over again: "Just watch the movie, don't direct it." I've been trying to hold to that advice, and so far, it's been treating me pretty well. Okay, so there are some parts that I wish I had directed a little better, and it's going to take a lot of post-production work to get those things straightened out, but I still had a good time!

So now I'm sitting in my room, taking a break from my art history paper (on the great Aubrey Beardsley), and digging the MC5, while also talking to my friend Lesley, who was nice enough to be my drinking buddy last night. I don't know what this week is going to throw at me, but I plan on watching as much as I can, rather than trying in vain to direct every little part of it.

And by the way, you really have not lived until you've listened to the Rolling Stones while you're nice and drunk. And watching a tape of them performing live in 1981 while you're still nice and drunk is even better.

"When you see the southern cross for the first time, you understand now why you came this way."
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 4:21 PM

 
Sorry for all the melancholy stuff that's permeated this blog as of late. You have to realize that, lately, I've really only been posting here at the very lowest points of my days. Rest assured, I do smile every once in a while... I'm not some total "emo" kid. Matter of fact, I hate emo kids... and the music, too.

I made a CD a while ago, while I was at home. It was one of those "not-planned-but-thrown-together-at-random" discs. I think it turned out well... I'm actually digging it right now. Here's the tracklist:

1. Falling From Above - Neil Young and Crazy Horse
2. Ain't Too Proud to Beg - The Temptations
3. Apartment Number Nine - The New Barbarians
4. I Am An Animal - Pete Townshend
5. Back Street Girl - The Rolling Stones
6. Pushed It Over the End - Neil Young
7. Needle of Death - Bert Jansch
8. Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground
9. In a Dis Ya Time - The Itals
10. No Expectations - The Rolling Stones
11. If You See Her, Say Hello - Bob Dylan
12. Lies - The Rolling Stones
13. Love Has No Pride - Linda Ronstadt
14. Saddle Up the Palomino - Neil Young
15. Madman Across the Water - Elton John
16. I'm One - The Who
17. Sweet Thing - Van Morrison
18. Danger Bird - Neil Young and Crazy Horse

Okay, so there's a certain mood to the whole thing, but you have to realize I made this disc over a period of what could be classified as "depression." I'm feeling a little better than that now, but it's still nice to hear the disc. Speaking of which, I can't find my copy of Greendale anywhere. I was watching the DVD last night, and I realized my CD is missing. Hmmm...

"And the suuuuuun will never shine... in apartment #9..."
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 7:27 PM

 
You're the kind of person
You meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud
Running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you've tried you just can't hide
Your eyes are edged with tears

You better stop
Look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown

When you were a child
You were treated kind
But you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys
But still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you
Owes a million dollars tax
And your father's still perfecting ways of making sealing wax

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown

Oh, who's to blame, that girl's just insane
Well nothing I do don't seem to work
It only seems to make matters worse
Oh please...

You were still in school
When you had that fool
Who really messed your mind
And after that you turned your back
On treating people kind
On our first trip
I tried so hard to rearrange your mind
But after while I realized you were disarranging mine

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown

Oh, who's to blame, that girl's just insane
Well nothing I do don't seem to work
It only seems to make matters worse
Oh please...

When you were a child
You were treated kind
But you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys
But still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you
Owes a million dollars tax
And your father's still perfecting ways of making sealing wax

You better stop, look around
Here it comes
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown
Here it comes, your nineteenth nervous breakdown...

"19th Nervous Breakdown," Jagger/Richards

I don't wanna toruble anyone, but I've been feeling a bit troubled lately.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 2:38 PM

 
The river flows
It flows to the sea
Wherever that river goes
That's where I want to be
Flow, river, flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town

All he wanted
Was to be free
And that's the way
It turned out to be
Flow, river, flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town

Flow, river, flow
Past the shaded tree
Go, river, go
Go to the sea
Flow to the sea

The river flows
It flows to the sea
Wherever that river goes
That's where I want to be
Flow, river, flow
Let your waters wash down
Take me from this road
To some other town.

-R McGuinn, B Dylan

I received this from someone earlier today. It brightened my day a little.

REAL ALLEVIATION OF SUFFERING
Meher Baba

The quest for happiness is irretrievably enmeshed in the problem of the illusion of the world of form with which the individual self has become identified through the body. If this illusion can be shattered, the shackles which bind happiness are automatically shattered as well. But how to shatter the illusion?
An individual who mistakenly believes that he is a coward may live a lifetime of misery during which all his actions are shaped by this incorrect belief. But if some event in his life challenges him so deeply that he unthinkingly strides forth with great courage, then the illusion will suddenly vanish and he will see himself as a different being. Often it takes real crisis to bring out a sure knowledge of the real inner self, and it is always a creative knowledge.
Even as the individual can be wrong in his convictions regarding his own nature, so he is often quite wrong about the nature of the world around him. In reality, it is a world of illusion that separates him from his true birthright of freedom and happiness in oneness with the One.
Actually, no individual is entirely devoid of some real happiness in some form, for God as an endless and fathomless ocean of bliss is also within every person, and no one is entirely cut off from Him. Pleasure sought in illusion inevitably results in endless perpetuation of that very same false life of the ego, which leaves the individual exposed to intense suffering.
The whole play of illusion and the suffering it engenders functions by the divinely established law of karma (cause and effect). Therefore suffering must be accepted with grace and fortitude. It must be remembered that one's own actions are the cause of much of one's suffering, and therefore wise action can minimize it. But real alleviation of suffering requires spiritual enlightenment, and for that man must turn to the Perfect Masters and the God-man (Avatar).
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 8:37 PM