First of all, happy belated birthday to Mr. Bob Weir, whose 58th was yesterday.

So I was supposed to hang out with Kate both last night and today for lunch, but neither happened. So we're supposed to meet for dinner tonight - after I have dinner of home, of course - which I'm hoping actually does happen. This kind of stuff wouldn't usually bother me THAT much, but the fact that I only have a few more days to see her gives this all a definite sense of urgency... I may never see this girl again, you know? *Sigh* Am I destined to find love like this and always have it be taken away so quickly? Must I settle for something less?

Of course I have to see the good in all of this, which is quite obvious. That I came across someone who made me happy, even for a relative few seconds, is certainly something to be happy about. I just wish I had it for a lot longer. The last person that ever made me really feel like this - my soulmate of soulmates - was already with someone, and has since been married (cue the Brooklyn Bridge's "The Worst That Could Happen"). Well, I know I need to burn some CD's for her, as she asked me to do so. I think I'll lay Exile On Main Street on her, along with Europe '72, E Street Shuffle, Tonight's the Night, The Who By Numbers... all of my faves.

I bought Grateful Dead Go to Nassau today, because Circuit City is so wonderfully cheap. I've been looking to dig some more early '80's stuff, because I always hear these great things about it. And the sampler of stuff on Reckoning and Dead Set is quite nice. And you know what? So far, I'm enjoying it. No, it's not '70-'72 Dead, or even late '73 Dead, but it's pretty damn good. Jerry's head is still in the game. Brent isn't a morbid charicature. In fact, some of it is almost borderline psychedelic. In 1980!

I could swear I'd something more to say. I'm very cold here in the lonely house, so I have a blanket to keep me company. A blanket and Jerry. A splendid combo. Although, I have been listening to the Stones a lot the past couple of days... I know I always say this, but I sometimes forget how much I really, REALLY love that band.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 1:32 PM

 
I can still smell her perfume on my hands. Geez, she even smells amazing. :-D
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:28 AM

 
Wow. I cannot believe this at all. I didn't expect for it all to move so quickly and so well. I told myself I was going to avoid women for a while. I wasn't going to let myself fall for anyone, certainly not this fast.

But here I am. I think I've fallen, or I'm at least falling pretty damn hard.

Kate is just... AMAZING. We just talked and talked and enjoyed every second. She cares about what I have to say. She wants to know about me, about what I think. And it goes double for me - she's had more experiences in life than I have, so I really want to know more about her. Oh, and the feeling of just holding her in my arms. We've both agreed on that - we could spend hours in one another's arms. And she's a fucking good kisser.

Oh, AND she listened intently to The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle. BIG bonus points for that.

I really hope she decides to come up here for good, and I hope it's soon. Even if we just wind up as friends, I really don't want to lose her. I've met an incredible person, and I'm determined not to let that go again, like I always do.

And yes, I'm pretty much done even thinking about my ex. I know, it was fast, but the more I thought about it, the more it all seemed like a big goddamn mistake. This feels quite a bit more... real.

Here's to love and affection.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:04 AM

 
Well.

I had a mighty interesting Friday night.

I was supposed to go out with some co-workers, of course, but since one of them was sick, the other one and I decided we'd still go out and hang for a bit. Well, I never got a call from her, so I decided I'd go out anyway to kind of clear my head and just relax for a bit. The whole Elisabeth thing was - and is - still very much on my mind, so I certainly needed something to get me away from that.

So I went out to Tom Grainey's, one of the few decent bars in downtown Boise. It's not as smoky, they have live music, and the drinks are always good. Well, right off the bat, as soon as I walked in, I noticed this girl off to my right who possessed this incredible smile. Don't forget the fact that she was also very attractive anyway, but the smile was something to die for. I resolved then and there to talk to this girl, in whatever capacity I could. I made my way to the bar, the live music blaring, and got myself a Jack and Coke. Then I sort of casually sidled up next to this girl, in hopes that I could somehow make a verbal move. I honestly wasn't looking for and/or expecting anything that night. I really was - and still am - heartbroken over the failure of my relationship, so maybe I just needed someone to talk to.

Well, dig this. She talked to me first, asking which band originally played whatever cover the live band was doing at the moment. From there? We talked. A lot. She was absolutely adorable, very sweet... and quite drunk, I think. But she complimented me almost right out the gate over my smile (haha!), and we just generally stayed near each other for the next while or so. At one point Matt Melton came in and we connected, but I was really intent on hanging out with this sweet girl, whose name was Kate (or Katherine, but she introduced herself with the shorter version). I knew things were getting a bit weird when she began to boast of how she was going to seduce me by my third Jack and Coke. I think she'd already succeeded, but I agreed to be part of her wager. After the third drink, we escorted each other downstairs to a part of the bar I wasn't sure ever existed before. Finding a booth in a corner, we continued to talk... I mean, REALLY talk. We had such an amazing conversation. And we held each other. And we kissed. And sort of generally made out.

All of those other problems disappeared for a while. Here I was with a terribly attractive and fun woman who was obviously very interested in me. I mean, GENUINELY interested. She made feel like I was cared about in every way. It wasn't that sort of conditional love I'd always felt with Elisabeth, like if I said or did the wrong thing, I'd be out on my face. I'm not saying things had suddenly progressed to the "love" stage here, but there was definitely something. Here's the kicker. This girl looked MAYBE 25 or 26. But she's 33. Whoa. A little older than I'm used to. But honestly? I have no problem with it. The only problem I have, in fact, is that she's from LA at the moment, and while she is planning on movig here soon, she'll be gone in less than a week. Oh...

Anyway, we met up with her cousins he was staying with, and then decided to go. But she came with me in my van through some series of events, and I first wound up showing her the Boise Train Depot before fully departing. This was at about 3 in the morning now. And when we were there... we held each other. For so long. And it felt SO good, so right. We wanted to just make love then and there, we both said and knew it. But all good things, of course, and we finally we got her home. But she gave me her number, and I promised to call her the next day.

For the longest time yesterday, I thought she may very well have been a beautiful dream, because I was not getting through to her. Finally I received a text message, and while she still seemed genuinely interested, she did admit that she'd had a lot to drink the night before, and needed time to recover. So we didn't see each other yesterday. But I want to see her today. And she wants to see me. I don't care if me kiss, hold hands, make love, just talk, or whatever. I just want to spend as much time as possible with her, this angel that just suddenly appeared in my time of need and made me feel that everything was going to be okay.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 6:58 AM

 
And as an afterthought, this, too, must be told...

I am NEVER, EVER meeting girls via the Internet ever again. Every single time, it's led to heartbreak on someone's part.

The sun has yet to climb my hood ornament. Take 'em as they come.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 1:17 AM

 
I did it.

And it really fucking hurts.

No matter what she thinks, I love her. I really do. That's why I feel like dying right now. If I didn't love her, I could move past it. But this... oh, god, this is fucking painful, even with the booze running through my system.

But at least I still have Pete Townshend and the Who.

Yet, I still feel as if I'm going to be sick. I almost was out on the road tonight. Damn near rolled down the window and let it loose all over the pavement.

WON'T SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!!??
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:59 AM

 
Yay! I can see all of my posts again! I thought Blogger had lost them all. I mean, I have all of the early ones saved on my other computer. But this makes me very happy indeed. Dig thos4e early ones... I was a goddamned genius.

Anyway, in other news, I'm now listening to Bruce Springsteen's The River, over which I'm still very much in a divided frame of mind. Some of the songs I really enjoy, and some of them are just okay, but not exactly things I remember the next day. I really love The Ties That Bind, Two Hearts, Point Blank, Stolen Car, and Wreck on the Highway (how eerie is the song?... geez, I love it; could've been on Nebraska). But, I dunno... it's all a bit light-hearted for me. There are other songs from these sessions that really should have been on the album - Roulette, Where the Bands Are, Dollhouse, Restless Nights, and the AMAZING Take 'Em As They Come. Just those five would have helped the set enormously. Imagine going from You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch) straight into Restless Nights, or going from Point Blank into Take 'Em As They Come - THAT would quite the pairing of emotional despair.

Enjoying some Totinos pizza, some Doritos, and Killian's Irish Red. I'm depressed tonight, for obvious reasons. I feel this great urge to just jump off the edge of whatever precipice is awaiting me, just to get it all over with. I miss my friends, both here and in Oregon. I really haven't gotten to see anyone much lately, save for Mark's roommates. I barely see Mark any more, now that he's with Nik. But Jimmy and I have become surprsingly good buddies, and Corey is becoming more fun by the second. I don't ever see Adam much, but when I do, he's always quite cordial. I'm supposed to be going out in a few days with two co-workers, which will hopefully be fun. I don't know how things will have progressed by then, but let's hope I'm in good enough spirits to enjoy it all.

Hey, maybe the song Lonesome Day (from The Rising) is the best song Bruce has written in a long time. It's fucking good; I'd almost forgotten.

Oh, to feel normal again... to feel good.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:12 AM

 
I tried to end it the other day, and she about had a complete breakdown. So I told her I wouldn't, and try and see if we could work through it. It kills me to break anyone's heart, especially someone I really care about. But after tonight, I think this is it. I get so, SO sick of these half-silent phone calls, for which I get blamed, and usually always wind up with me being blamed for other stuff, as well. I just can't do this any more. And it would be especially wise before things progress any further as far as intimacy stuff goes. We've already been about *this* close to sex, and if it gets to that point and noting changes, I'm gonna feel REALLY bad.

Maybe I just wasn't as ready for all of this as I thought I was. Ever since Liz and I split up, every relationship-type thing I've tried has come up with varying degress of disappointment, either from circumstances or from my own mind. I entered into a LONG-LONG distance thing for a while, which culminated in an expensive trip on her part to see me, only to have me fall completely in love with someone else a week later. Granted, I found my soul-mate through these circumstances, and the whole long-distance thing was just not going to work anyway. But I still felt pretty shaken up about it. I dated a long-time friend for a while out in Oregon, which could maybe have blossomed into something serious. But we both knew that I was going to be leaving, so we never really announced it as serious to anyone. Plus, like I said, I was still in love.

Then I got back here and tried playing the field for a little bit... until I reconnected with April. For a while, I really thought it was all going to work out. When it didn't, I was devastated. Perhaps, in all of this, I just wasn't quite over that... not being split up from her in particular, but from having all that uncertainty end so poorly because I tried to keep it going. I put so much faith into it, and look what happened. I just don't want the same thing to happen again... if I end this pre-emptively, it's going to save a lot of hurt later on.

I do still love her and care about her, which makes all of this really hard. But that spark that was there has faded, sadly enough. I don't know why; it was certainly there to begin with. But I just keep on having this thing ticking at the back of my mind every time I'm with her, telling me that something is wrong and I need to go. I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like the longer I stay, the more it's going to hurt later on. I can't have that happen, no way.

I dunno, this is all just coming to me. I can't even post in my regular journals, because I know she's online. It's a bad thing when you're actually afraid to talk to someone... a bad thing, and a big sign. Jesus, I feel terrible.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 11:00 PM

 
As to current matters of the heart, I believe Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia said it best...

Cerise was brushing her long hair gently down
It was the afternoon of carnival
As she brushes it gently down

Reuben was strumming the painted mandolin
It was inlaid with a pretty face in jade
Played the Carnival Parade

Cerise was dressing as Pirouette in white
When a fatal vision gripped her tight:
Cerise, beware tonight

Reuben, Reuben tell me truly true
I feel afraid and I don't know why I do
Is there another girl for you?

If you could see in my heart
You would know it's true
There is none Cerise except for you
Except for you
I swear to it on my very soul
If I lie may I fall down cold

When Reuben played the painted mandolin
The breeze would stop to listen in
Before going its way again

Masquerade began when nightfall finally woke
Like waves against the bandstand dancers broke
To the painted mandolin

Looking out on the crowd, who is standing there?
Sweet Ruby Claire at Reuben stared
At Reuben stared
She was dressed as Pirouette in red
And her hair hung gently down

The crowd pressed round
Ruby stood as though alone
Reuben's song took on a different tone
And he played it just for her

The song he played was the Carnival Parade
Each note cut a thread of Cerise's fate
It cut through like a blade

Reuben was playing the painted mandolin
When Ruby froze and turned to stone
For the strings played all alone

The voice of Cerise from the face of the mandolin
Singing: Reuben, Reuben tell me true
For I have no one but you
If you could see in my heart
You would know it's true
There is none Cerise, except for you
Except for you
I swear to it on my very soul
If I lie, may I fall down cold

The truth of love
An unsung song must tell
The course of love must follow blind
Without a look behind
Rubin walked through the streets
Of New Orleans 'til dawn
Cerise so lightly in his arms
And her hair hung gently down.

"Reuben and Cerise"
(Garcia/Hunter)

In other news, James Madison is still pretty much my hero.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:06 AM

 
I think I have to break up with her.

I just don't see it happening any more. Unfortunately, I know she won't take this nearly as well as I'm going to. And I'm not gonna take it all that well, anyway.

God, I don't want to do this...
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 1:35 AM