I don't even know how to articulate how yesterday went. We hung out from 11 in the morning 'til 5.30 the next morning, with a couple of hours' break in between. We had a lot of serious talks about ourselves and "us," but we had so much more fun than anything else. I went out to her place at night, and we talked and relaxed and made out. And then we made love. It was absolutely surreal, but it just happened and felt so... wonderful. And we slept in each other's arms for an hour or so, before I realized that I needed to get home.

If there's any justice in this world, this will work out. Somehow.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 8:57 PM

 
We hung out for a good six hours tonight.

We kissed.

We made out.

We are basically *this close* to something really great. It already is great. Shiloh is just incredible.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:59 AM

 
I've made a resolution to try and write a song - or whatever - every day from here until eternity. I just began writing bullshit tonight, nothing but gobbledygook, while listening to The Basement Tapes, and suddenly came out with a halfway decent song, which was a tribute to one of my favorite singers, "Joni Mitchell." It's simple, but it works. I want to continue like that. Simple, but effective. No more thinking too hard.

Shiloh and I are really, REALLY doing well so far. We went and had dinner the other night (we wound up hanging out three days in a row), and I made a bold move and held her hand. Then we got back to my house, stood outside in the cold, and just held each other for... I dunno, twenty minutes, half an hour. It was just really... great. Felt great. Amber, my boss, is still applauding it. *Sigh* I just wish it could last...

Neil circa '76 is pretty cool. Weird, a bit stoned... but very cool.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:01 AM

 
I HATE working at Albertsons. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I would really, REALLY rather go work at Starbucks today. Albertsons just sucks the life out of me... it's so mind-numbing. The people there don't know anything - that is, the baristas AND the customers - and I find myself reacting visibly when they make an obvious screw-up in any way.

Swear to god, if I hear someone call a drink back to me with the word "skinny" one more time, I'm gonna up and walk away.
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 11:07 AM

 
You'd think I would learn by now to keep me word and really not do shit when I tell myself that I'm not going to.

Kate and I had a minor falling out when I told her I couldn't continue it any more. But we've remained friends, even though she's really been hurt by this all. I can't say I blame her, but I am just not in the best place right now in life to keep up something like that.

So I told myself that I would not seek anything out in the way of a relationship. For once, I'm happy being single.

Except there's someone I've really taken an interest in. And she probably feels it back. She was the catalyst, actually, for me ending it with Elisabeth... the person I met and realized that I really needed to be with someone who understood me and with whom I had a lot in common. She's my co-worker, Shiloh. She's three years older than me, has been through a lot of shit in her life, and still manages to be one of the most incredible people I've known.

I asked my manager, Amber, for advice in what I should do about this attraction. Is it cool to feel this way? Should I approach it at all? If so, how? Amber's answer was fairly simple: As long as it doesn't become an issue on the floor at work, she encourages it. She laid on me the fact that Shiloh actually came to her with the admission she she kinda liked me, so that was nice to hear. Well, I decided today that I wanted to try and hang out with her a bit. So I woke up early on my day - much earlier than I probably would have otherwise - and made my way out to Fred Meyer, her other job. I wasn't even sure if she'd be there, and when I walked in and peeked into the electronics department, she nowhere in sight. Shit, I thought, as I made my way to the restrooms. Well, who should round the corner as I'm walking there but Shiloh herself, just a few minutes away from being off work. I was going to ask her in my own shy way if she was interested in doing anything, but she actually said, "Hey, are you bored? Let's go do something!" Wow, okay, I thought, and suggested lunch. As she finished her shift, I bought The Band and waited 'til she was ready to go. We wound up going out to her house in Nampa first, so she could change. She gave me a present, too - The Golden Road, the Grateful Dead boxed set with the Warner Bros. albums. I own the albums, but not like this. And mine are all getting worn, anyway. It was a beautiful gesture.

We went out to the Pita Pit downtown, then to the Record Exchange and to Archenemy Comics. Four hours, in total. And I loved - LOVED - every second. We talked and talked, felt so comfortable around one another. I suppose, more than anything, we're kindred spirits, really coming from the same place in Earth. She laid a lot on me about herself, more than I did... which is weird to come across. But she trusts me with this knowledge, and I certainly trust her. But it was so much fun - a truly great day... the first in quite a while. It was so nice to talk music with someone who understood it - especially Gratefuldeadmusic. She saw 'em, man! But there was so much more - life, love, passion, spirituality, the circumstances that have fucked us up, et cetera.

What saddens me in all of this, though, is that she'll be leaving for Oregon in May. Am I just destined to lose people in that particular month? It happened this year, and it's going to happen next year. I find myself holding on to this vainglorious hope that we may get involved so fiercely that she decides that she can deal with Boise and all of the ghosts that haunt her here, because I'll be around. I wish I could do that for her - I would leap at the chance. It's selfish, but I don't want to lose someone else who just seems so right.

I began writing something about her tonight. It's kind of a throwaway, just an excuse to exercise the old songwriting muscles... but she's in there. And I hope she'll be in a lot more. A new muse, FINALLY? I haven't had a suitable muse since Rachel all those years ago. It's about damn time.

And now? I need some sleep. Here's to sweet dreams. Of her? Of music? Of the fact that, once in a while, you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right? Why not?
- posted by The Steve Cronen @ 12:05 AM